Wednesday, June 18, 2014
broken heart
i feel that i am an asshole at times...it been many months already, to be frank i still miss her, miss those days that i was with her...
as and when i will look at the photos we once have together...sigh...will the day come where i can hug you again?
i really miss you alot...no word can describe my feelings right now....
"I Love You"
Friday, March 30, 2012
r/s?
been sometimes since I last wrote my feeling down. Going to
ORD in less than two months times? And it times to think about what is going to
happen after ORD. to study full time and work part time or the other way round?
Kind of unable to make a decision now, confuse and lost.
Anyway, that’s not the most important things that I want
say? Deep inside my heart there is lots of things that I really want to say but
again who is there to listen? No one, at time I find myself very stupid,
thinking that everyone can be trusted but the facts is that no one can be
trusted. I feel very hopeless and useless. Why am I always stuck in my
relationship issue? Why izzit so hard to keep this relationship? Why? There is
no answer to this question at all.
At times I wonder does she really love me? Does she? Or is
she playing with me? I already put in whatever I can in this relationship with
her, but to her is not enough. I hate to quarrel with her, everytime after a
quarrel with her be it her mistake or mine I am always the one that say sorry
first, and yet I always received a “wonderful” attitude from her. You told me
one you love me, but do she still love me? Serious speaking, as days goes by I feel
that I am being treated for granted, but can I tell her? I cant? cos she will
have lots of things to quarrel back. I been giving in and giving in all the
times but did she feel it? I doubt so, I really wanted to keep this
relationship but I cant do it anymore, I really tired of all this. A simple relationship
that all I want really, is not that hard right?
These few days, I have been thinking how we get close to
each other, first started off with she is having problems with her group or
rather her friends, follow that we started to sms almost everyday from day to
night and from night to day, slowly I start to fall in love with her. I still
remember the very first time I celebrated my birthday with her, it was right
after my work at starbuck. We went to a Taiwan café and we were like
complaining about the food and she was like telling me next year we go to a
better place. I still remember what she wears and what we did that day. I meet
her two times in a day but no one knows about it. after a few month, I remember
I text her this “Ms XXX, are you willing to be my gal??” she agree to it but
the very next day she say that she does not want anymore, well, was rather sad
for the rest of the day, that was when I am still at nee soon camp going
through my medic course.
So the following year she brought me to fish and co, this
time round the food is much better, and this time round I got a card from her
and a birthday present! Is a shirt! Is the very first present that I received
from her! But heart feels pain and touch at the same time. Pain because she
spent a lot on the meals as well as the present, touch because really can see
her put in lots of effort in planning, which was in the year 2011.
Now 2012, just pass my birthday, have a belated birthday
celebration with her. Everything was
well but ended up kind of ya…
But throughout the years really see her down period and
her doing well period. This is what I realize and feel when she is having
problems or when she got some conflict with the group, she will look for me
more and spend more time with me more, but when there is a new group of people
join in, I am like being put aside. Is like making me feel as if I am a spare
part, use it when I can’t find entertainment and put me aside when she meet new
friends. That’s how I really feel, despite having the feeling I still want to
keep this relationship, but I not sure how long I can hold on to anymore, I am
just a normal guy that wish to feel more value? Everything take two hands to
clap, I am really tired yet I still holding on.
One of my female friends told me this, why you keep
holding on? You could have just let go and be with her. But I fall too deeply
in love with my current one. I want and
wish to hold on, but how long can I really last?
Now, I really do not know what should I do? Study or
work?
"I Love You"
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Was reading my previous blog entry. Well, there is good and bad things as usual but I think it more of bad things ba? Some how I really does not know what does she really want from me, all I want is just a simple relationship with her. That's all. How hard can it be? Well, yesterday was suppose to be a good and nice day, but I kind of screw it up as I could really cant stand it as I am kissing a gal that I love but does she feel the same?
The day before she say let's end it, but her action does not follow what's her heart say...she say end but she still want to hold my hand? So what am I to her? She say I treated her like a toy when I say I feel like a toy to her but does she really understand? I never treated her like a toy, yes sometimes I did not sms her good nite or good morning sms but that is because I either too tired at night that I sleep early if not I wake up late in the morning and need to rush. But she can always sms mi first too?! Izzit?
I really do not know what to do anymore, all she does or say is that then you go find other girls lor, if I really do not love her I would do that long ago and not wait till now. At times I really do not know what to say to my friends or family when they ask me so who is she? Are you my girlfriend? Or are you just my friend? If you are my friend why do we still kiss? To be honest, I have never love someone love till so xinku, can you feel the hurt and pain for me when I am out with you? Always heard you say can we go other place because I scared I see some people I know over there? So am I really that lousy that you do not wish others to know about me? Am I really that bad? Well, at times when I saw my friend when out with her I also do not know what to say, oh she is my girlfriend? Or she is just my friend? So who am I to you and who are you to me?
I am really disappointed with many things and yet this things happen? Haiz, sometimes I wish I could just die...
"I Love You"
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Why do people only learn how to treasure when they are gone? Why do people only start to think of others good when they have already leaved their life? Anyway, currently on mc now, extended till wed hope my wound will recover fast and I can get back to training.
Wanted to talk about sometime in life, have been thinking why does God put me in commando, why God allow something to happen to us. God is really interesting, but again He is really good to all of us, but I fail Him again and again.
Well, MC extended to this Sunday again. Kind of excepted but abit sianz. Sometimes I think that army really makes people stupid. Already inform I am on MC, yet ask me to free a replacement and do you guys’ thinks that I am idiot? Cos the only way out is to sell guard duty which mean I have to spend money, so I won’t care about it.
Making a decision…
"I Love You"
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Something happen this morning while smsing, I do not why I say those words, but it kind of regret of what I have say. Serious speaking, I treasure all friendship especially with her. Well, I guess everything will be coming to an end? Come to think of it, I really put in a lot of effort in going after her, thinking of ways to cheer her up, how to keep her surprise, give in to her and stuff, I enjoy doing all this cos after all is doing for someone that you love. Well, I enjoy my days with her, still can remember that last time when I fetch her from work it always raining, walking with her from her work place to our eating place, those things still in my mind fresh. How I wish those days will never end, the road will never end so that can countine walking with her.
Times with her is so happy, enjoying and the way she acted some times like out of a sudden keep saying “hello” and keep asking mi to say back “hello” to her and the little little action she did when we are out together. Really miss those time…
Got so much more to say, but cant say here…well, just going to end this post with last line, this time round I really fall deep for a girl, I love you…
"I Love You"
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Feeling worry for someone, I think this is the first time I see this person so sad and down, really wish I could do something for this person, been praying for this person since just now, sometime I wish I can take all my friends trouble away from them so that they will be able to smile and laught instead of feeling sad and stuff. Realli feel for this person, really wish that this person is okie now.
"I Love You"
Thanks You Post
Few people that I want to thanks for being there for me.
First will be my shepherd, Edison. Want to thanks him for being understanding and teaches me many things and the encouragement that he have given me when I needed not forgetting the scolding that he given me when I did something wrong. He is indeed a very nice shepherd, always there for us and his patient level is like super high. Thanks you for training and grooming me into a better person!
Secondly will be Candace! She should be honor, because this is the first time I going to praise you! Haha! Anyway, want to thank her for many things, if really need to write will be whole long of list. Want to thanks for her all the encouragement and prayer that she have given me, especially when I was really very down with army life. Thanks her for putting in the effort for those prayer and encouragement and hopefully our friendship will last.
Third will be my dumbs, Melissa Tan and Ruth. Really thanks the two of them for being there for me when I need, especially during my RP life! I think without this two buddy my days in RP are like super lonely? Haha! I really treasure this friendship with them, just hope that this friendship will last.
Last, I want to thanks my current Life Group! Thanks you guys for the surprise birthday celebration yesterday! But singing birthday song in the middle of the shopping centre really very paisei sia! Thanks everyone of you for being so understanding to me, and all the laughter you guys have brought to me during my weekend!
"I Love You"
Advance Birthday Celebration with the Special Someone
Celebrated my birthday in advance with her on the 18th of March at town. Really can’t of love it and enjoy it but at the same time feel bad because make her spend so much, 100+ dollars, heart pain for her =(
Anyway really enjoy myself at the fish & co and follow by a short shopping with me to buy computers parts! Actually was kind of surprise that I am meeting her last Friday as I thought that I not going to meet her as she smsed me quite late and was complaining that she feeling very tired and sleepy so I was like almost going to plan for my own stuff and she called saying let’s meet at 1500hr. was even surprise to saw her wearing the dress that I was commenting about too! Kind of taken part, not forgetting the photos that I took with her! Haha! But I not going to upload those pictures is for personal collection! Haha!
Come to think of it, this is the second time she helps me celebrate birthday on one to one, really quite amazing, especially last year when I do not really know her yet she came all the way down to my work place to wait for me to knock off and treat me to a birthday lunch. This year, she also came all the way down to town to meet me and this year is even better as is the first time she given me a birthday present, birthday card as well as a very nice lunch treat and a birthday cake! Really love it and enjoy it. Hopefully every y ear I will get to celebrate my birthday with her and ya. Really ai si ni le! Zhen de! Love you to the max!!! <3
"I Love You"
Sunday, March 06, 2011
How to show if you really treasure someone? I treasure you but does you? Sometimes I think that I have spend more effort to meet up with people than people meet up with me, I love spending time with people I love and stuff, but does they love spending time with me? I always there to listen and hope to see all my friends smile daily but there was once someone say that I am very busybody and was rather sad because I through this person really know me more than any others but she’s not.
How many people really know what I love to eat? Love to drink? What kind of movie I love? What I love to do? To e truthful I think less than 10 or maybe not even 1? But I do know these things from people that are around me. I really feel that people do not take me or accept me, when they sms me I must reply as soon as possible else they will not happy, but when I sms them? The reply is kind of making me sianz.
Next, so what if we have lots of achievement? Does achievement means anything? So what if we gain so many things what the point when there’s no one to share your happiness and sadness with? I start to regret of my own action and stuff, maybe I should have just say yes…
I suck….
Oh lastly, I finally got my wings, so what? Silver wing on my chest…
"I Love You"
Have been talking to a friend about boy girl relationship, relationship I guess is sometime that everyone wants to have and wish to have. But the thing is that what is relationship really mean to all of us?
We also come to agree that when we really put in the effort to love someone at the end of the day the person does not love us, is like a very funny thing, I love you but you but you do not love me but when you do not love the person anymore the person told you that he/she love you. Well, this kind of things happens almost everywhere and anywhere now.
Well on shift yesterday many things came into my mind, have I over nice to the one that I love? Or I still do not treat her the way I should? Lots of things in my mind especially the decisions that I have make over the weeks, I hope I am doing well till.
Always loving you…
"I Love You"
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