~Freedom is in MY hands~

Friday, March 30, 2012

r/s?

been sometimes since I last wrote my feeling down. Going to ORD in less than two months times? And it times to think about what is going to happen after ORD. to study full time and work part time or the other way round? Kind of unable to make a decision now, confuse and lost.

Anyway, that’s not the most important things that I want say? Deep inside my heart there is lots of things that I really want to say but again who is there to listen? No one, at time I find myself very stupid, thinking that everyone can be trusted but the facts is that no one can be trusted. I feel very hopeless and useless. Why am I always stuck in my relationship issue? Why izzit so hard to keep this relationship? Why? There is no answer to this question at all.

At times I wonder does she really love me? Does she? Or is she playing with me? I already put in whatever I can in this relationship with her, but to her is not enough. I hate to quarrel with her, everytime after a quarrel with her be it her mistake or mine I am always the one that say sorry first, and yet I always received a “wonderful” attitude from her. You told me one you love me, but do she still love me? Serious speaking, as days goes by I feel that I am being treated for granted, but can I tell her? I cant? cos she will have lots of things to quarrel back. I been giving in and giving in all the times but did she feel it? I doubt so, I really wanted to keep this relationship but I cant do it anymore, I really tired of all this. A simple relationship that all I want really, is not that hard right?

These few days, I have been thinking how we get close to each other, first started off with she is having problems with her group or rather her friends, follow that we started to sms almost everyday from day to night and from night to day, slowly I start to fall in love with her. I still remember the very first time I celebrated my birthday with her, it was right after my work at starbuck. We went to a Taiwan café and we were like complaining about the food and she was like telling me next year we go to a better place. I still remember what she wears and what we did that day. I meet her two times in a day but no one knows about it. after a few month, I remember I text her this “Ms XXX, are you willing to be my gal??” she agree to it but the very next day she say that she does not want anymore, well, was rather sad for the rest of the day, that was when I am still at nee soon camp going through my medic course.

So the following year she brought me to fish and co, this time round the food is much better, and this time round I got a card from her and a birthday present! Is a shirt! Is the very first present that I received from her! But heart feels pain and touch at the same time. Pain because she spent a lot on the meals as well as the present, touch because really can see her put in lots of effort in planning, which was in the year 2011.

Now 2012, just pass my birthday, have a belated birthday celebration with her. Everything was well but ended up kind of ya…

But throughout the years really see her down period and her doing well period. This is what I realize and feel when she is having problems or when she got some conflict with the group, she will look for me more and spend more time with me more, but when there is a new group of people join in, I am like being put aside. Is like making me feel as if I am a spare part, use it when I can’t find entertainment and put me aside when she meet new friends. That’s how I really feel, despite having the feeling I still want to keep this relationship, but I not sure how long I can hold on to anymore, I am just a normal guy that wish to feel more value? Everything take two hands to clap, I am really tired yet I still holding on.

One of my female friends told me this, why you keep holding on? You could have just let go and be with her. But I fall too deeply in love with my current one. I want and wish to hold on, but how long can I really last?

Now, I really do not know what should I do? Study or work?

12:28 AM
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